Please give me a sign

You’re either going to read this and be blown away or think I’m completely cray cray.

But honestly I love this stuff, it forces you to question things.

After you experience these things, you stop just existing and you start believing there is more…

So what on earth am I babbling on about??

The AFTERLIFE… no I’m not John Edward I don’t talk to ghosts, I’d shit my panties!

I’m just someone who has had a lot of unexplained things happened to them after loved ones passed away.

So many in fact, I couldn’t possibly fit them into one post.

So I’ve picked one experience that has really stuck with me to share with you.

The most profoundthing to ever happen to me was when my Uncle Bruce passed away.

I don’t know how to explain our bond and connection, he was my hero.

We spent over 10 years apart when my nana passed away, she held our family together and we for some reason lost contact with him and his family.

One day my mum was at the air port waiting for a flight and over the loud speaker she heard his name being called out.

She was shocked it was too skinny to be her brother who was always a large man, tanned skin with Tattoos.

But as luck would have it, it was him – on his way to the same destination on the same flight. If he hadn’t of been called out she’d have never of known.

After over 10 years we were reunited!!

From the moment he came back into our life he was my best buddy, I’d run to him for everything.

Every decision I’d ask his opinion.

We knew something wasn’t right, he looked sick but would avoid talking about it and refused to see a dr.

Until one day at work he collapsed and when tested he was diagnosed with bowel cancer.

It would progress and be a grim prognosis, he fought a battle a warrior would have lost 100 times over, the pain and suffering of one person is enough to change you!

He beat all the odds and pulled through, he was cancer free after years of treatment and fighting – he said he couldn’t of done it without the support of his family around him.

Was my nana looking after him from above orchestrating the whole air port thing so he could have his family back during the fight of his life?

Was he brought back into my life to teach me how to be a better person? Because what happens next changed me forever.

He wasn’t one of the lucky ones who got their remission dream and lived on into old age.

The Dr’s missed a huge tumour forming deep into his stomach and on a routine scan it was found and it was terminal.

That’s a shitty word… Terminal, it’s dirty and it’s clinical and it’s the last word you want to hear in a sentence, when it’s connected to someone you love so much.

But unfortunately that was our reality, we spent months in hospital with him, travelling far to sit with him everyday and make sure he was comfortable, my life on hold and in limbo.

I was getting married in the March the following year, I asked him to walk me down the Aisle, I was the closest thing he had to a daughter and he’d never have the chance otherwise.

He was so excited and honoured and it’s all we spoke about. My Dad offering to push him if he was too unwell in his wheel chair.

As the weeks went on he got more unwell and ended up in palliative care.

The Dr had said to us, he is holding on for family. Let him know it’s ok to let go and we are ok with it.

He said it would make the process easier for him, if he thought we were at peace with it.

The strangest most unnatural thing to me is planning a funeral with someone who hasn’t passed yet.

I wrote him a letter, I couldn’t face telling him it was ok, because to me it wasn’t. I didn’t want to let go.

In my letter to him I wrote, “if for some reason you are not here to walk me down the aisle can you please give me a sign you are with me. (Nothing too freaky, i don’t want to shit my pants).” I still have a copy and they are my exact words.

Over the October long weekend we weren’t meant to head out on this particular day, but mum and I bumped into my Aunty shopping at a centre we all don’t normally go to. It was really random.

We just mentioned to her maybe we should go out today and she agreed so we all jumped in the car like we normally did and took the long drive out together.

When we got there everything seemed normal, we’d always push his bed out on to his balcony so he could have a ciggie!

As we started to move him like usual he protested and started acting funny.

From that moment we knew we had come for a reason, another Devine intervention?

We weren’t meant to go that day, but for some reason we bumped into each other and decided to.

We held his hand till he left us, one of the most life changing experiences. I was never the same – you see things different and appreciate life when you see how easily it can be taken from you.

Several moments after he passed we were sitting in the room with him when mum and I felt a wind gush past us and we physically seen the curtain move and the air freshener on the ledge was knocked over.

The windows couldn’t be open and the door was closed.. how do you explain that?

After months of trying to move on without the biggest part of what was our life for so long we found peace knowing he was resting.

My big day arrives and my beautiful uncle is not there as we had planned, so my mummy did the honours of giving me away in his place.

Again so many things happened for this one moment to take place.

My husbands family were standing out front of the wrong church.. we seen them as we drove past.

We had to do a few happy laps to give them time to get to our actual church lol.

This obviously made me extra late, we got out of the car and everyone was getting into position to walk down the aisle.

Mum fluffing my veil, the girls in front giving me the final smiles and looks of support, when mum was trying to pull me in line I pulled back so I couldn’t be seen when they open the church door.

As I did this, over my shoulder I seen my uncles car (his prized possession, a baby blue Ford V8) pull into the Church drive way do a u-turn and speed off.. you couldn’t see who was driving and that manoeuvre was illegal. Of all the places to do it, at that moment, in that car!! All we knew was that was our sign.

I dropped to my knees clutching my stomach trying not to ruin my make up from all the tears!

My mum knew too, he was with me and I felt it!

I would go to a psychic and she brought it up and confirmed he gave me my sign.

As I retell this story, i sit here balling my eyes out again.

Every single thing that took place from the moment he walked back into my life till the last second I had with him was totally meant to happen that way.

If you’re a skeptic that’s fine, but as I said this is just one story of so many and this was not chance.. it was pre determined fate and I was so blessed to have him in my life for even just a short time.

I wouldn’t be me, I would hold the view on life that I do now. I wouldn’t have the courage to tackle hard obstacles or be so humble.

I know what it’s like to feel pain so deep you want to give up and I know the feeling our pure happiness! It makes you feel alive!

I am so sad my children will never meet him, but I made a promise they’d know who he was and somehow I’d find a way to keep his memory with us.

Far out life is crazy… you get caught up in the day to day grind of it all, you miss signs like these!

Take time out to appreciate life in general, you only need one shot if you get it right.

I have a headache from crying now! Hormonal pregnant lady alert!

Will share more with you later, I’m like a piñata of ghost stories.

In loving memory of my beautiful uncle Bruce, taken from us way too soon and missed always. We love you xxx

Speak soon Jess xx

Please follow me on Insta @jess.mkr

First Dates..

Jase and I were laying in bed watching tv when an ad come on about a Politician trying to find love..

I turn to him, “would you go there?”

She is a ‘sexter’.. “umm, what’s that?” He says.

Ohhhh Jase, Jase, Jase… brought back so many memories!

We’ve been together 15 years, married for 7, he is my high school sweetheart.

Almost divorced 1million times over the years, just from annoying the living bejesus out of each other.

Good news is we survived and as hard as it was to hang in there we did all because we held on to our humble beginnings.

Which brings me to “over” share some funny memories with you..

Our first date, when we got back together after a 12 month break – was a comedy of errors on my part…

Firstly I wore lime green jeans, reading glasses that didn’t belong to me (I was dizzy and couldn’t see the whole night) and my hair had about 50 butterfly clips in it! Pretty sure I was wearing silver lipstick from sports girl too!

Apart from thinking I was the shiz in my perfectly unique and quirky outfit.. everything I touched I seemed to fuck up.

I couldn’t see the menu so ordered anything that I pointed to.

While waiting for my mystery meal to arrive I was trying to be sexy and could feel my wobbling butterflies as I was trying to focus in on him in my chemist specs.

I decide swizzling my straw in my glass coke bottle might be a turn on!

Yeah this guy is so into moi..

ummm my fucking coke erupted like a volcano that had been dormant for 50 thousand years.

It gushed out all of the table all over my green panties and into his lap.

I wish there was room in my lime greenies to crawl up my own arse!

This was all before entree was served.. I had a sticky ‘twaz, my undies wet, really bad headache and by this stage was cross eyed.. thinking how on earth do I back door it.

Eventually I gave up on the specs, scoffed down my food and off we went.

This guy must have been madly in love with me to come back.

Two goof balls don’t make a right.. for every one of my stumbles, Jase had 10!

Now.. let me take you on a holiday or two with us.

I’m not sure about you guys.. but it took me almost 10 years to go to loo if he was in the vicinity and slightly less to fart.

We head to Port Macquarie for a romantic long weekend.. it turned into anything but.

Firstly he gets food poisoning on almost every trip.. so while he spent most of his time appreciating the toilet, I was the opposite.

We made the fatal mistake of having Mexican for dinner on our last night, keep in mind it’s been 4 days for me of holding it in!

Spicy Mexican food sitting in your gut is probably worse than child birth – the pain of my bloated stomach is not even human.

If you had of pushed on my stomach I would have gone off like a whoopy cushion.

I wait for him to have a shower and sneak off to the “gym”.. only I’m in my pjs and forgot my key!

Fuck… I’m locked out, busting to poop and banging on the door to let me back in. 20 long minutes and nothing.. had to run to reception

All the while this scared my sphincter and the urge went away. Now I faced a 4 hour car ride home praying I didn’t shit my pants!

Lesson, if your human ladies – chances are he is going to be aware you poop, just do it!

For the record I ended up really sick!

Ok, so now we are in Krabi, Thailand

Staying at this gorgeous resort, we were walking past the pool to breakfast one morning when an older gentleman and his wife were setting up their pool beds.

The man was fully clothed and standing pool side as he tried to drag the bed forward.

My very helpful husband, comes to his rescue and quickly lifts the front of the bed to move it forward, as the man gestures it’s ok he is fine – the force in which Jase lifts the bed, sends the man backwards into the pool fully clothed.

As if that wasn’t enough.. because Jason’s back is turned he can’t see what happened so has push the bed further in on top of the mans head almost drowning him.

His wife is screaming, he is gasping for air and Jase drops the chair and runs!

We had to sit a breakfast with them for a whole week after that.

If something shit is going to happen it will find us!

My hubby, ever the romantic, always has a way of making me wet my pants with laughter.

If you have the energy to keep reinventing your relationship and are willing to have fun with it, you’d be amazed at how much it changes things.

He does need some coaching in his ‘sexting’ skills however.. it’s been a long time for us, but back in the day he would kill me!!

You’d get home from a date and start it.. you’d think your getting into it when, the phone rings!

Kind of not how this works but anyways… “Heyyyy”, I’d answer.

“What’s doing?” … umm wtf?? Mood killed!

LOL, this is what I live with and have for half my life.. wouldn’t change him for the world.

He makes up his own animals in our couples night words games, someone will say something to him and he will repeat it as a question to them..,

He gets the shits if I have a shower and wet the floor and leave my clothes beside the toilet. Ummm do I walk nude the whole house to avoid leaving my clothes for 5 mins on the floor?

He thinks chicken schnitzel is a roast dinner!

Our most recent issue.. he will not share the benefits of his fly buyers points with me! Even though he swipes that bad boy after every purchase I make!

The best thing about history is you’ve got so much to talk about.

We were only kids when we first met, our love has evolved so much over the years.

I watched my dopey high school boyfriend become a man and grow into the most amazing father.

What you want and who you are at 16 is not the same in your 30’s.

It’s been the hardest ride for us, we’ve climbed some pretty ugly steep mountains to get to where we are.

But if you check my Facebook, it’s been smooth sailing lol!

Don’t take for granted what you have in someone, even if most days you want to kill them.

I think it’s better the devil you know.. marriage is hard, but so are most things.

If in doubt think back to your first date.. we tend to concentrate on right now.. what if you remembered your history and spoke about your memories together.

It’s pretty powerful stuff!

Hindsight is glorious.. just don’t live to regret anything and be grateful for what you have.

Love you Jase xxx

Love Jess ❤️

Follow me on Insta @jess.mkr

Boss Lady..

We live in a world where unfortunately your damned if you do and up shit creek if you don’t.

Bunch of judgemental arseholes we all are if you ask me… see I’ve already got my judgey pants on!

I’m talking about being a working mum.

I’m such a ditz, I’m sure people find it hard to believe I run a very successful and busy real estate agency.

I’ve been in management since I was 24 years old.. have a diploma in business management am a licensed agent, trained offices and have spoken in front of thousands at sold out conferences!

I have had 35 staff under me all while juggling a new born.

I was judged harshly and faced the guilt of leaving my baby at just four months old to return to work.

Financially Jase and I were very secure, I didn’t need to work.

For my sanity and my personal choice was to go back to a sense of normality as quickly as possible.

I suffered from post natal depression, all I knew was I didn’t fit into the typical type cast of stay at home mummy.

It was forced and uncomfortable for me, doesn’t mean I loved him less.. I felt like a better Mother for going back to work.

I was ok with my decision, it was others that would gasp at the thought.

I was reading blogs to reassure myself and it made it worse – those mums were talking about community health centres and where was the best place to host 12 women for their group coffee.

I would drive to work after dropping Ethan off to day care and see mumma’s pushing their prams just going for a walk.

My thoughts were.. good luck! I’m off to work, their job at home seemed so much harder and unknown to me.

I’m not a lazy bitch, and in hindsight I think both stay at home and working mums are level when it comes to the amount of work they do.

I don’t see one being a better scenario at all, what I’ve learnt is it comes down to the family and what is best for them.

Everyone makes their situation work, some women have to work straight away to support themselves and others are in a position where they don’t have to and feel that them raising their children is best.

All I know is my little world works perfectly!

I drop off, Jason picks up.. Ethan loves his day care lady like an Aunty is very advanced for a 4 year old, speaks two languages and absolutely adores the shit out of Jase and I. Family bond is on point and we both help out around the house.

I struck gold ladies.. my man loves to clean, does my washing (fucking ruins all my whites) but he does try and entertains Ethan till i get home and get dinner ready.

But Lordy lord can it be tough.. I work about 11-12 hours, I’m on emails from 6am and get home around 6/6.30pm, I work from home when I’m sick and take my lap top on holidays.

Having to be mum and juggle a career has been hard in finding balance but we’ve made it work for us and value weekends so much as our quality family time.

Im about to have my second child in September, once Ethan starts school full time in Feb I will be back at work.

I will be working from home until also! Because that’s my choice and what’s best for my family.

I make no apologies for my choices, my children are loved, nurtured and in no worse position than anyone else’s who decides staying at home is best for them.

We usually judge others because our own situation is flawed and we sub-consciously know it or we are jealous twats.

I totally respect every woman, Mother’s or not, our role in society is such a hard one.

My lessons in life from my own experiences is, you don’t have to act like a man to be successful in their world.

Be yourself, be compassionate and empathetic and all those things you fear you should be.. because I tell you one thing I got to where I am by being me!

I know my strengths, I’m confident and I know my worth.

I get shit done, I work my ass off and I think failure is a blessing.

I empower people through challenging their thought process.. I help my team be the best they can be, by using their own ingrained talents to push them.

It’s not my way… I’m a leader not a dictator, it’s a collective and we all have a voice in my world.

Whatever your decision is.. be the boss!! Own that shit and be the best stay at home mummy there is.. why?? Because you will value your role, you will see it’s importance and you will never question your decision because knowing your self worth and path is a much greater power than others judgement.

You will live a more centred and balanced life and happiness is the best byproduct.

Boss ladies of this world rock.. they are confident, they know how they contribute and they are happy in their own skin.

They ultimately become better Mother’s!

No matter what your circumstance always be you, remember we may be Mother’s but we are still us.

Don’t let go of you as a person because a little human has graced your world.

That’s not being selfish.. you can have it all!

I say it all the time and I’m not a feminist that only advocates women, I am raising two sons who I love more than life it’s self, but I love and admire women!

Till next chat.. have a good weekend, Jess x

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What if..

The age old question.

What if… it can be like playing with dark magic.

Sometimes not knowing is much better.

Sometimes What if.. forces you to make decisions out of fear and regret.

It’s exactly what happened to me! How I ended up on one of Australia’s highest rating TV shows.

And trust me there were days when I felt dabbling in black magic may have been a better choice.

So Em and I applied for the season before, we went through the whole process got to contract signing and…

I couldn’t get the time off work!

I had a choice, I could have quit my job and took the plunge or be a sensible adult that had bills and a family to think about.

Bills and Family prevailed, after a very soul crushing agonising period of pondering WHAT IF!!! We pulled out.

Fuck those two words haunt you don’t they??

It was harder on me because it wasn’t a single decision, it was a joint one for both my sister and myself.. her dreams were crushed by my predicament.

I felt so terrible for letting her down.

So after months of being upset and feeling like I gave up on something unknown I had finally told “what if” to eat a fat one and got on with my life.

LOL.. I still remember the bloody theme song coming on tv for the ads! Remote chucked at tv as I walked out of the room.

Our constant guessing.. who took our spot! We didn’t like any of our possible replacements.

It wasn’t until my Dad had reminded me these lovely people didn’t take my spot I gave it up.

What if… meet Regret..

Isn’t Regret a BIG arsehole!!

It’s like chancing not trying harder to go to the loo before you leave for work, the morning after a laxative the night before!!

That Regret is way worse!!!!!!!

The questions that popped into my head about what I’d given up haunted me.

I know to you it might seem silly, but to us it was a chance at winning $250k, changing our lives, who knows what could come from 5 seconds of fame.

What If, we won? What if, we got signed by a high profile agent and a new career started? What if, we failed miserably and we got trolled for being fake and ugly and heaps of people hated us??? LOL!!

So after refusing to watch the show when that season started, we found peace with our decision and completely moved on.

Until.. we got a call!

Wahhhhhh…. we found Peace!!!! Now you call!

We were asked to audition again for the next season.

Cut a long story short… we got through again.

Despite what the silly magazines said, we weren’t head hunted we applied and went through a gruelling audition process, not once but twice.

So believe me, we wanted to be there. We’re serious about the competition and wanted to have some fun.

Maybe we went in thinking we were better cooks then we ended up being. But our competition was outstanding.

It was our love of food that made us want to do this, as I said before there was never a hidden agenda of fame or motive to use this as a stepping stone. The what if’s were there in our mind about what could happen after but we just wanted to enjoy the experience.

I guess that’s what made dealing with the horrible parts so much harder!

It’s not easy, the hours are long and the days mesh into one.

Some parts were fun and others not so! It’s very eye opening and it really does change your life in so many ways.

My sacrifice however, was leaving my baby for 6 months to travel and give it my best shot.

No one would do that for fame.. I promise you it was torture being away from him.

So part way through, my What If that made me take the second opportunity became my Regret!!!

To me no amount of money was worth it, it wasn’t what was happening during filming it was the outside media and social media as I’ve explained in my “social Meania” post.

One minute your a no body and the next your face is everywhere and there’s all these stories about you floating around!

It was so daunting, there was no slow build up for us it was BANG!!!

Our first promo was shocking.. our first article was a lie..

We loved the crew, production and cast. To us we got the experience of a lifetime and got further than we’d ever imagined.

For me it was even harder, I had to work remotely the whole way through, so when everyone else had very rare down time I was working! Plus I had to fit time in to practise our recipes.

The hardest 6 months of my life.

Fast forward to now.. right here in this moment I can tell you, Regret has disappeared, my unknowns are now reality and all my What ifs have been satisfied.

I found peace again, in my life, at work in my decision to do the show and everything that came with it.

If I didn’t go through it all or take the second chance, I wouldn’t have met some amazing people and I wouldn’t have as big of a voice or platform to help others as I do now.

There’s a reason for everything that happens and i am so happy everything worked out the way it did.

I’m stronger and happier than ever, at the time is destroyed my marriage and broke me as a person.

Jase and I have never been closer and are having another baby, I am now helping other people victims of bullying, anxiety and depression suffers and my beautiful girls who I support in their journey to health and recovery.

I feel so blessed to have an audience to write these blogs for and the opportunity i now have to make a difference.

Sometimes What if can be a good thing it forces you to take a risk.

Much love to all – Jess x

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Last minute Globe Trotters

I had a dream one night that I was in San Francisco, It was so vivid.

I seen street signs, little secret back streets, iconic landmarks.. in my dream I was a local.

I woke up and it stuck with me so much, I couldn’t shake this feeling.

So, as you will get to know.. I’m kind of erratic.. I don’t plan shit, I just do.

Now that seems very go getting and fun.. but trust me even I annoy myself most days.

So what does erratic Jess do?? Forces her then boyfriend (now hubby) to book a trip travelling through America.

The very next day… I shit you not!

It was this trip that started it all.. yeah we went to Fiji 50 million times before this, but something about this trip set a fire in our bellies.

Or maybe that was just all the Mexican we ate in California…

Either way we were hooked.

Every year we’d book a big trip, spare of the moment… no planning or time was spent on it.

It helps when your brother in law owns a travel company.

Ohh anyway I do piss on with stuff totally missing the point of my opening line.

When I actually got to San Fran, I knew the streets it’ was all familiar to me.

I took Jase to places I remembered in my dream, he was blown away.

Still haven’t figured out if it really was my dream or my memories of Full House as a kid that led me to those places.

But for us it was an experience of a life time to see all the things we grew up watching literally before our eyes.

I am also happy to share, we got engaged on the beach in Cabo Mexico towards the end of our first big trip.

Our life together has been full of adventure and excitement and that didn’t change when our Son was born.

He has more stamps in his passport than most well travelled adults and his only 4.

Apart from making the most of free travel before he was 2, we wanted to maintain our lifestyle and introduce our children to the wonders of travel and what it does for your mind.

At 4 months we set off to Hawaii, and every year after he has been our little travel buddy.

The furthest he has travelled was to the Bahamas, 14 hours LA, 5 hours NY and 3 hours to Bahamas.

He was so use to it and really enjoyed the different environments, seeing him stroll around Central Park or the excitement in his eyes when we got to Disney Land in Florida.

Again, no planning.. I didn’t spend months researching how to amuse my toddler on a long haul flight.

I didn’t stress about what food or formula he was going to have, couldn’t care less about packing enough clothes.

It all just worked out! No need to control every single thing.., our advice is to just go with it.

If your child is going to cry or muck up on the plane, who cares.. do your best but they are children they can be hard! Doesn’t mean you need to put the breaks on life out of fear.

What if you are lucky like us? And fear stopped you?

When we struggled in our marriage and yes we aren’t perfect, the one thing we go back to always are these memories we created.

We remember our alone time together and the joy it brought to our son.

You can spend money on so many material things in life.. the most enriching by far is travel.

We are blessed to be in a position to do it, you don’t have to do long haul.

Domestic or even a trip down to a farm or the coast a few hours away.

We do that monthly if not more.

I will wake up and decide that’s it, we are going fruit picking.. so off we go!

We have a list on our fridge we add to, each of us place our wishes on there.

Where we want to go, what we want for our next birthday or Christmas, suggestions for surprise gifts, buck list items.. you name it it’s on there.

Why? Because it’s in our face.. it makes us realise our desires and what’s going to make us happy.

And one thing I can tell you, apart from my big fat photo of the LV handbag I want is it’s all experiences on there.

Because that is our happiness and what brings us close as a family.

Life is too short to sit at home afraid of the world, in fear your kids will not enjoy it, they are too young to understand or they might muck up.

You’d be surprised.

Make your own memories..

Trust me, you don’t need advice or tips on what to do where to go on where’s the best family friendly place!!

Just go .. enjoy the challenge of figuring it all out for yourself.

We can’t wait to have the baby so we can freely travel again.. bump has made it a bit of a challenge but I snuck in one last Hawaii trip last month before he arrives.

My wish for everyone is the freedom to live a full life! No matter how you see that or what it means for you… it should bring you joy!

Speak soon Jess xx

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You say pregnancy… I say misery

LOL I said to my husband (Jase) the other day, did you read my blogs?

As he sits there enthralled in his phone pressed against his nose placing a bet.

“Umm, yeah.. I did”

So what ya think??

“Is it meant to be so depressing”!?

Not one with words, my dear hubby would have thought that was the best constructive criticism ever!

My saving grace is he didn’t mention the fart.. No I didn’t just drop one!!

It was in a previous post, I dobbed him in. So I figure if he let that slide it’s game on, he has given permission for me to over share.

So apologies if I’ve been a bit naggy or is that just how he see’s me?

Any who… I did warn you the “pregnancy” post was coming!

I also bragged a bit about my first pregnancy with Ethan.

How blessed I was, seriously my son was and still is perfection, not 100% sure if he actually likes me but – because apparently being 4 gives you a licence to be a complete twat and experts say it’s normal so I’ve got to ignore the demon in my house until he grows out of it. (That’s a whole other story).

I’m not even sure where to start with this one.

I just feel like it’s been a 40 week challenge and I’ve voluntarily agreed to this life transformation expecting reward.

From week 6, I’ve been sick! Not just oh I don’t feel well sick… but it’s exorcist spew shit.

I had this gut literally from conception.. actually I just stopped sucking in once the pregnancy was confirmed, I’d put on weight from stuffing my face while filming.

Nice cover up however.

So my clothes almost didn’t fit overnight. I still remember the last time I got to rock my little black leather skirt.

Now I’m like Marge Simpson, trying to make a few comfy outfits I have work for me in different ways.. disguising the fact they are one in the same.

Fashion aside it’s everything else I have a problem with.

For 20 weeks (I’m only half way) I’ve felt like a little alien has taken over my body.

Apart from feeling sick every single day, which thankfully has now switched to night sickness.. I can at least function during the day now.

It’s the other struggles… if your a guy reading or about to eat or think about food just stop right here…

How about being constipated for 5 days on end.. I am eating like a horse, so I can’t understand where all the food is going!

I hit absolute rock bottom the other day, after cracking my tooth in half biting on a straw, I was attempting to go to the loo while sitting there with a very sore broken tooth… I discovered the joys of pregnancy piles! Fuck my life!!! Now I’m damaged both ends! Could my day get any worse?

Yeah it totally can, boom now your sick, sore tooth, sore butt and here you go have a freaking migraine!

I’m also a neurological migraine sufferer too! So I get the loss of vision and numbness down one side of my body as well as vomiting.

I cried to Jase, when will this end… when will I get a break.

He, has honestly been so supportive! If I’m blessed with anything it’s him.

He has picked up my slack, gives me anything and everything and does not miss an appointment.

But I do feel like a nag.. and that’s where this “Super Woman” syndrome kicks in again.. I feel bad for feeling sick and putting pressure on my family because of it.

Then my anxiety kicks in.. I worry about everything.

The thing I don’t understand is this is my 2nd pregnancy.. why does it feel like I’ve never done this before!

Never truer words spoken when they say every pregnancy is different.

I went in under false security of an amazing first experience.

What’s funny is upon reflection, I’m at 20 weeks now, feel like I’ve been through hell but I’m still going.

I still have the strength to push on and I still get up every day for work, get my son off to day care.. I’m moving house, I’m supporting a host of charities and keeping all of my commitments and attending events.

Women are resilient creatures, we know that at the end of all our pain and suffering there is this blissfully perfect bundle of crying, shitty nappy joy!!

The reward of watching my son’s grow together, seeing them each develop their own personality and grow into men is far greater than any pregnancy pain!

As positive as I am trying to be, I can’t escape that this is my pregnancy experience and everyone is different.

I guess I’m lucky enough to have experienced both side’s of the coin.

But for me, this is it.. we’ve decided two boys will be it for us.

My dream of a little girl to take shopping and get my nails done with is not even a thought anymore.

Knowing we have such little control over outcomes and how things play out with human nature.. it puts so much into perspective.

This is one journey in life we can’t control, so you may as well embrace it.

And we don’t forget for 1 minute how blessed we are to even have the opportunity to fall pregnant and have a family.

I am so sensitive to those who can’t and it breaks my heart.

For all the expecting mumma bears reading, doesn’t matter if you are on the flip side and enjoying the bliss of a text book perfect pregnancy! The job we do is wondrous and I’m glad I’m in your club.

I am in beast mode now.. bring on the next 18 weeks, give me my own room and epidural and I will be one happy girl!

Hoping to not have to bring out the fart guns this birth.. (lol… my poor dr copped it, Emma (sister) said I was on another planet when I shot him with my finger fart guns and gave her this really sleazy proud look)

Who shoots their dr with fart guns!! Lol lol lol

Hopefully my current misery hasn’t scared anyone off and while I’m hoping not too many are suffering as bad if not worse.. I do hope some can sympathise.

Very tough gig this pregnancy thing!

Well done to all!

Love Jess xx

Follow me on Insta @jess.mkr

My Hero

Heroes come in all descriptions.

Who you end idolising says a lot about your character.

I remember sitting in a leadership session and we were asked about who we look up to as leaders, we could pick anyone we like.

This person in our group eagerly sprung from their seat as if in effort to beat us all…

“Hitler”, awkward silence fills the room, what the actual fuck!!! ???

(I actually hate even saying that name, I had to google to make sure I was spelling it correctly, now I’m scared someone is coming for me).

Apparently he might be an evil piece of shcizzza (shit) but he had good leadership qualities according to above person.

From a business perspective, I’m like ummmmm “Richard Branson” or is that too normal, honestly couldn’t think of any more evil dictators to out do them!

Scratch them off friends list…

You don’t know me, but if our Heroes say anything about our character, I think I’ve picked very well.

My Mumma is my inspiration in life for so many reasons.

If I had to describe her using only a few words they would be;

Resilient, strong, giving and fucking outrageous!

Everyone has their own story and cross to bear.

But one of the most heartbreaking things to ever happen in our world was the loss of my step father.

Not just because he was taken from us way too soon, but the impact it had on mum.

I watched a piece of my mum die that day when Trevor left this world.

Even though the woman who emerged was never the same, she was strong and brave and still put everyone else ahead of herself.

Mum raised 4 girls alone, trust me we weren’t easy on her either!

For every hardship endured and there’s been plenty, she always came out on top.

Our childhood was never boring and it was great because our only chore was to make coffee. (Endless amounts, but still beat mowing the lawn) ohhh yeah and rubbing her feet.

Even our boyfriends had the pleasure of the old foot massage.. I remember so clearly it was 10 mins per foot using sorbolene cream.

Reward was always money or the use of her car, but we were threatened with everything if we switched her radio station.

Mum had her favourite “Power Suit” she’d chuck on for interviews or meetings at the school. Shoulder pads and powder blue, hope that paints enough of a description for you – think Dynasty

In every sense our mum rocked, our friends loved hanging at our house and she always provided a home full of laughter and crazy memories!

So why is my mum so special that she inspires me?

Because of her,

I don’t ever take no for an answer.

I know the value of working hard and supporting my family, no free rides and giving up is never an option.

I’m successful in life because she gave me the tools to be who ever I wanted to be, I survived a mans world because I know what I want.

She taught me what it’s like to be a loving caring woman and guided the way for me to grow into a kick ass Mother myself.

Still at 31 years, 11 months and 20 days old (my birthday next week, don’t forget) she has my back.

I told you she was attacked on line by the trolls for sticking up for her daughters after people were saying nasty things about us.

She made the magazines and tabloids as often as we did, for protecting her cubs.

So many fuckwank’s private messaged her saying some really vile things.. and instead of deactivating her account and giving up, she fought back harder to restore some dignity for us.

I kept thinking to myself if only people knew… knew what my mum has been through, what a beautiful and kind, giving person she is despite it all.

How can you be so mean to someone you don’t know, who is only standing up for their kids.

I ask her all the time if she wants to meet someone else, her answer is always the same.

When you’ve met and lost the love of your life, there’s no point in wasting your time on anything else. My girls are enough!

My hope irrespective of what she says she wants, is that there’s something more waiting for her that given she is still young, life has more to offer.

I’ve assured her we will not cock block as bad as we did when we were younger.. I remember tagging along on her date and the dude offering me tickets to Disneyland to go to bed.

Neil.. I ain’t dumb, wonderland just closed down and you’ve not got the cash to fly us all to the states! I think I’ll just stay right where I am (in the middle of them).

You don’t really come to appreciate your Mother properly until your laying in the birthing suite cursing your partner!

And you don’t know her heart break at how fast you’ve all grown up until your 4 year old son tell’s you, you stink!

My Mother is my hero because someone who literally sacrifices themselves to see you happy, to help your dreams come true, to watch you succeed and never take credit and for loving the shit out of you when you can’t love yourself is so deserving of that title.

I’m not going to lie I’m a bit upset I don’t have the same standing in my son’s life, our cat Jean Paul is currently residing in that space.

I know i have waffled a little this blog, but to summarise quickly just take away two things;

If anyone suggests Hitler is a good pick for a Hero.. run!! Really fast

And that I think my mum is the bee’s knees for so many reasons.

It’s Mother’s Day, appreciate your mummies – you only get one and taking anything for granted will be the biggest regret of your life one day.

As I sit here in tortuous pain and feeling so violently ill pregnant with my second child, I so whole heartedly have the utmost respect for all women!!

Mumma bear, Lynnie the centre of my world! I love you endlessly and can’t thank you enough for being my rock, my best friend and saviour.

Without you I would be the woman I am, I wouldn’t have the roof over my head or the strength to have pulled through the darkest time in my life.

I wouldn’t be the Mother I am without you to look up to.

You gave me so much more than life and you deserve the world in return.

Don’t ever change xxx

Love Jess (your 3rd and favourite daughter)

Follow me on Insta @jess.mkr

Speak soon 💋

Suck it up Princess

Do you know what it’s like to be at war with yourself?

My life is a constant battle of finding balance between feeling genuinely happy and having to fake it to please others.

When your an extravert with a dirty sense of humour and are always the centre of attention, it’s very noticeable when something’s wrong.

Anxiety and Depression are my disposition but they are also my biggest strength.

Just because you can’t see someone’s pain, it’s not a broken leg or an appendix out – doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering.

There’s such a dirty stigma attached to mental illness.

It feels like we’ve only just evolved from the dark ages where they’d chuck you in a funny farm and zap your brain.

Medicare must have stopped covering the procedure.. as barbaric as it was at least they gave a shit!

2018.. unless you fart $50 notes access to quality care and support is not great.

While we still have a long way to go in terms of access to treatment and quality facilities I found talking about it has helped me.

I’m shithouse at keeping secrets, so naturally keeping my suffering to myself was never going to be easy.

I don’t like thinking I’m alone in things, I don’t mind getting stuck in an elevator just as long as it’s with someone else.

So I found talking to people openly about it, led to others doing the same! It’s crazy once someone comes out and shares a similar story how much better you feel because it normalises your irrational fears.

Your mind is a very powerful tool, you ask it a question it will seek answers.. tell it Its sick and watch the physical take place.

I’ve tried everything cognitive behavioural therapy, counselling, natural medication, anti depressants!

I wish I could tell you I found a magic pill that fixed it all.

I still to this day struggle, my internal war sometimes rages and other days I sometimes manage to broker a peace deal with my mind.

I live a relatively normal life, i am successful, I am a mother, I travel and for the most part love everything about my little world I’ve created.

But my cross to bear will always be this, I’ve just learned how to get on with it.

I will never just be able to get in my car and drive anywhere I please.

I fear highways, tunnels, red lights, bridges and being stuck with no one to help me close by.

I will never be able to travel anywhere alone, in fear something bad will happen to me and no one I know will be around to save me.

Simple things like going to grab lunch across the road by myself, doing grocery shopping – sometimes my anxiety is so high I can’t leave my safe place to do those things.

If I didn’t tell you however, you wouldn’t know! I’ve become the master of deception and unless I want you to know, you can’t tell.

While anxiety has become a familiar face to me, and something I’ve accepted.

Living with Depression is my real battle.

It’s confusing, because life is meant to be full of ups and downs.

When you are predisposed to mental illness, hard times last longer and a block of chocolate is not enough to snap you out of it.

In my darkest time I’ve considered suicide..

We all have our demons, but mine were just unrelenting and came in so many forms.

My saving grace is my inner strength and holding on to the belief that there’s always a better day coming.

Thinking of my son and what I would be leaving behind also snapped me out of it.

My amazing family who would walk on fire to help me played a huge part in saving the broken me.

I remember my life spiralling out of control, nothing was familiar to me anymore. I’d look in the mirror and despised the person I was.

If I got a dollar for every twat that said to me, think positive – change your mind set!

Yeah thanks genius, I’ll google that…

Suck it up princess, what have you got to be depressed about…

I don’t condone violence but it wouldn’t be totally frowned upon if you just pimp slapped this person.

Chemical imbalance, family history, environment, drugs… who knows why we are the unlucky ones or are we the lucky ones?

Lucky enough to see the worst in life to see the real beauty when the fog lifts!

Lucky enough to have the strength to keep on pushing on in face of so much pain each and every day

Lucky enough to be part of a not so secret society of people that share your same fears and struggles! But they are all amazing in their own way.

The one thing I can pass on that i do know for sure and only know because of my own battle.

Is that no matter how hard things are, there is a better day it’s not what you are hoping for… it’s not a life free from being anxious or sad.

But it’s enough to see life’s beauty and with enough strength you can learn to embrace it, help others and live with hope in your heart.

It’s not an easy battle and you will want to give up, but pushing on is rewarding, giving up is easy!

If we all just stopped looking at today’s problems as tomorrow’s we would be in a much better head space.

If I had of reacted to situations months ago I might not be here right now.

I’m having another baby, about to move into my dream house and living a blessed life of absolute bliss with the family i created.

It’s not perfect and I still have my days but I’m grateful to be alive.

Speak up, tell your story, find your strength and take back control!

Mental health needs more attention and if you ever feel like it’s too much for you there is help! Lifeline 131114

Love Jess xxx

Follow me on Insta @jess.mkr

Super Woman….

Hmmm… not really! I just wanted to use this photo, my hair was super healthy.

Lol just kidding, there’s method to my madness, but my hair does look good yeah?

I was raised by a single mother and have four sisters – in a non conventional sense I have no real compass or understanding of what the traditional roles of male and female are.

So I don’t know what it’s like to see mum in the kitchen and Dad off to work.

So genetically I think it’s ingrained in us as women to feel bad if it’s not something that’s always taught at home.

I suffer from the worst “woman’s guilt”

Especially since returning from 6 months away from my boys when I was filming.

My worries now include;

Did I screw up my child from being absent, does he hate me for missing his birthday party, will my husband ever stop resenting my decision to do the show and more over now from a home life perspective am I;

Keeping my house clean enough, does my husband have food for the week at work is my son’s diet balanced enough, my hair, nails and fitness is that up to scratch, work, friendships, am I seeing my family enough, oh god the birthday parties and gifts, the organising of school uniforms and packing lunches, shopping, bills, banks, real estate agents, doctors appointments, medication…

The list goes on and on and on

Despite all of the above and then some, I still feel like I don’t do enough.

Why have i allowed “super woman syndrome” to make me feel like shit.

Why have I decided this is all my burden to take on?

And the sad thing I find is other women are the most judgemental.. it’s said so often, we should be building each other up and supporting the sisterhood!

I absolutely shave my bush and Im not jumping on the age old soap box but seriously it shits me that we don’t have each other’s backs more.

I feel bad because I’m constantly comparing myself to others.

It’s perfectly ok to not have all your shit together, and if you have to rely on others a bit more… ask for the support.

I wish that in 2018 women would stop putting so much pressure on themselves and each other.

Your children don’t have to have a fuller schedule than the American President, it’s ok for them to be bored on a Saturday arvo maybe once in a blue moon while you grab some sun and read a book.

Effective parenting is measured by how happy your kids are, everyone is different and each family have a dynamic that works for them.

Which is why no one should ever judge another for their choices and decisions especially when it comes to parenting.

It’s actually not all just about parents either, in a much broader sense this message is open to everyone for their own interpretation.

Society puts so much pressure on people regardless of circumstance, parenting, work, how you dress, where you eat, the car you drive.. it’s all under some form of criticism from everyone!

I caught the supermarket checkout lady judging me the other day… passive aggressively suggested my choice in frozen food for my son wasn’t the best idea.

“Your on a cooking show, you don’t make his food yourself?”

Umm Norma, Doll.., Piss off, I’m tired and preggers my child is just fine, unless your offering to come cook shut your pie hole!

No, I actually didn’t say that but i was thinking it!!

Can we make a pact? Can we try harder to be more supportive, Less judgemental and a bit more understanding?

I know it’s hard to zip it when someone asks for your opinion, but sometimes they are just after some reassurance not you to shit all over their circumstance.

Be humble in what you’ve been blessed with, nothing worse than someone being really happy with something and another coming over the top with a better story,

When we start creating competition with other women based on our own insecurities, that’s when you stop valuing the blessing’s in your own life.

It’s been really hard for me to slip back into a normal life again, it seriously took a good 2-3 months to feel somewhat comfortable and at ease.

My husband and son lived a life without me for almost half a year! I was a relative stranger in a home I helped create with a child who squeezed its way through my birthing canal.. my relationship of 15 years was all but gone!!

Boy was I judged.. judged for putting my life on hold, not being with my family, making a fool of myself on national tv, being a bad mother, not caring about my family!

You know who judged me the most though??

It was myself, “Super Woman” had to take on the world and all its problems didn’t she?

Fuck no she didn’t.. I have a very capable hubby who loves his son to death!

They had the time of their life together and they missed me, my life was here just as I had left it.. only it was me that changed because of the pressure and guilt I felt for being away.

I told you I did some soul searching in a previous blog, part of that was learning to be more forgiving to myself.

My message for you…

Take a load off and enjoy life!!

Follow my insta @jess.mkr

I will be back soon xx Jess

Social Meania…

Well since my last post, you’ve probably established I’m an idiot who flashes her vag to strangers a lot (by accident) and shares way too much with those she shouldn’t…

I’m a glutton for punishment so I’ve taken no lesson and will continue to over share!

Speaking of, as I write this I lay in bed and all I can hear in my dark quiet apartment is the tap running and an echo of a fart… it’s kind of ruined the tone for my blog.

Not going to name names.. but if you do the math I only live with two people and my son isn’t up at 5.00am getting ready for work. LOL

Fuck I digress.. ok back on track

Ohhh, yes. Social Meania!! What a C-U next Tuesday!!!

My blog is about life after reality TV, this is the biggest insight your going to get to the absolute hell you go through if your not beautiful Henry and Anna.

Who mind you are the sweetest people to ever grace earth, but I even seen arseholes on line giving it to them.

That was a turning point for me, how on earth can you be so mean that instead of keeping your mouth shut, you’ve got to go out of your way and say horrible nasty things to lovely people.

Fair enough, Em and I were destined to be Facebook road kill from the moment promos started!

We never expected in a million years what followed.

If there is a premeditated reason why you apply for a TV show, like fame or a gig in media or to promote your business you can hold on to your goal and push through the shit.

You at least know your fighting for something, $250k is not worth your soul.

But when your a dumbass like me who just wanted a few free dinners a trip around Australia. Dealing with the harsh “reality” of reality TV is not even a human experience.

I’m hoping No one super famous is reading this, they’d be thinking damn girl – pull your knickers up from below your bum cheeks and grow a set!

Well I’m not super famous, I’m an ordinary (not so normal) gal and so was everyone else who entered the show.

This experience exposed us to a very dark side of social media, namely trolls!

Evil, (I’m assuming smelly) things that sit at home or in a cafe using free wifi and all they do is project hate and venom on strangers.

Is it jealousy? Is it that they are generally so far up there own buttholes they don’t understand the impact it has on the people they are saying nasty things to.

I reported one lady to her employer who happened to be a Government organisation, involving educating our children and this vile woman was online belting the shit out of my appearance and there was no reasoning with her.

It’s a scary world to think we work along side of trolls, we feed them at our restaurants and let our kids play with theirs..

Faceless scum who pray on everyone else.

The things Em and I were being attacked for, had nothing to do with the show. It was what we looked liked.

In my 31 years (soon to be 32 years, my birthday next week) of existence I’ve never had anyone come up to my face and tell me I’m a plastic Botox mole who needs to stay away from a stove because I will melt.

But online it’s ok to completely destroy someone’s confidence and attack their looks.. because according to one very smart person “We put ourselves in this position, don’t go on TV if you don’t want to be called ugly”

Seriously, what the actual fuck??? How about keep your nasty shitty comments to yourself Sharon!

I had hate emails sent to my work, calls telling me I should die, countless Instagram messages about how ugly and plastic we are.. magazine article’s about our botched surgery. Vomit emojis used every time a photo of us was posted.

Our Mother attacked for sticking up for us!

To top it all off we were then accused of assaulting our best friends and being kicked off the show before it even began!

The hate and fury only increased and it got to a point of me feeling suicidal and depressed, I couldn’t leave my house and my poor husband (the guy i mentioned earlier, who may or may not have farted and distracted me) and family had to pick me up and help me rebuild my life.

I was broken, Social Meania actually broke me!

You see, it’s not the shows that are evil… it’s the 0.1% of trolls who probably don’t even watch the show that are.

We had the time of our life creating what you see on TV, made life long friends and had an experience of a lifetime.

Production was good to us, we made the best out of a very long and hard 6 months away from our family.

After some serious soul searching and counselling, I was able to rebuild my confidence and out of this whole soul crushing experience a new me emerged.

I no longer tolerate bullies, I have no time for negativity and I block all trolls.

I don’t feed them and I realised my self worth has nothing to do with their opinions of me, my life right now is perfect and I’m blessed to be in this moment.

My message now is kindness, do what you can for others and I’ve decided to use my zzzzgrade profile to build others up and support those in need.

I take the time to get to know our followers because I’m genuinely grateful because they saved me too..

I’m the first person to pull the piss out of and laugh at myself..

To anyone who has ever been victim to any type of bullying, it’s not ok and you’ve got help and support if you need it.

I’m living proof you can kick the shit out of depression and win!

Lifeline Australia is amazing at helping those in need and at risk 13 11 14

So much love to each and everyone of you! My journey was tough and what I’ve shared briefly doesn’t even compare to what I actually endured over the last 6 months… but I’m fine and while I was broken, I’m now back and so much stronger!!

Chat soon – Jess xxx

follow me on Insta @jess.mkr