Pretending is ok.. till it’s time not to

Ok firstly, many apologies for such a long break in blogs.

I was creating a human and working a million hours a week and pretending to win at life.

“Pretending”… it’s been fucked!! No winning just existing and pushing shit up a hill.

But you know what, it’s ok to have shit fall apart, as long as you intend to rebuild.. spend some time refurbing the old you while your at it and splash some proverbial life cash on you to feel good and alive again.

I’m in realestate so excuse the cheesy analogies, but every one is always curious why those lovely big half finished houses just sit there..

Don’t settle for staying unfinished, always a little bit happy, or a little bit content just to see you through.

Life isn’t about being a little bit of anything!

Fall apart.. but rebuild.

What the actual fuckeroo am I talking about?

Motivation to not feel sad about things that don’t go according to plan and being ok with not winning.

Having just been through the scariest most traumatising experience of my life (trust me I’ve had some pretty shitty shit happen to me in life, but this was 1000% worse than all that combined).

I had 2 choices:

1. Run and hide, fall into a deep dark hole of stress and worry and let everything go to shit

Or

2.”Pretend” I’m ok till I am ok.. work on me, find a positive and kick adversities ass

A very inspiring woman who I am so very fortunate to have met on social media, said to me “don’t water down my experiences because you think others have it worse”

I’m allowed to own what’s happening to me.

But I acknowledge others have it worse.. doesn’t change your hell.

When your faced with the prospect of your child not surviving it changes you.

I am so grateful to my support network, my sister Emma, Husband and best friend Dean didn’t leave my side the entire time I was in hospital they held me up!

Not only was my newborn baby in intensive care with a potentially fatal illness, I was worried sick with maybe not having a job, thinking about how I’m going to pay the bills, my eldest son not adjusting to his new role, mounting debt from me not giving a shit about anything and not keeping on top of things, someone I needed more than anything not being there for me and a very close family member in hospital and sick.

These are all standard life things, ok and manageable if they happen randomly, but all at once???

Fuckkk.. what did I do in a past life to deserve this, was my initial thought.

But you know what.. shit happens sometimes all at once and you’ve just got to deal with it.

Easier said then done right? Nope.. wrong!

You control how you feel everyday, it’s an incredibly hard thing to master but once you realise the power is in your hands, everything changes.

I decide to feel happy every day I wake up, I pick what I’m grateful for and I block out the negative.

Clouding my mind with dark energy only made me feel worse and the worse I felt the more unbearable the world became.

Hope is all I needed and the rest my mind took care of.

To this day, I’d still describe my emotional state as “fragile”, if I had a warning label it would tell you to use caution and handle with care.

But the world doesn’t stop for anyone, I’ve still got a job, my bills are being paid, my baby is fighting fit, my eldest son is still being a turd and a very special close family member is still sick.

My battle continues, But I’m not “pretending” anymore, actual strength has kicked in and taken over.

My perception changed, circumstances shifted slightly and gave me some breathing space.

I didn’t deal with it all at once, I allowed my heart the time to pick what needed attention first and sorted things out one thing at a time.

Our demons are all different, yet the feelings are all the same.

The power to overcome shit falling to pieces is in us all., you just need to make a choice to run or fight it.

Running is not the answer but it’s not the wrong thing to do either.

If you keep one thing in mind.. it should be this!

You are meant to have hard times, shit things happen.. these events define you, they teach you things.

You can’t buy an express pass in life to skip the lines… (it’s not Disneyland) you have to absolutely go through the land mines to become you!

This isn’t a Jess pitty party so you’ll feel sorry for me, this is an honest depiction of who I am and my internal battles.

I smile and my crazy personality hides it all, I have days where I give up and others where I bounce out of bed.

But I’ve learnt to ask for help and talk about my feelings.

I learnt to pretend enough to not have to anymore and now while I still have really dark days (normal) I am in control.

My photos on Instagram are filtered and I capture beautiful candid moments as a mum, as a wife and sister.. I share my life on social media to inspire travel, love, family connection and to help others.

I’m the first to tell you that reality is only perception!

To recap… shit happens, fall apart but always rebuild, pretending is ok to get you back to the best you, bad things happen to define you (embrace it) and be yourself accept things for what they are and decide to be happy when you wake up.

Live a full life, don’t settle, tackle your issues head on and know your not alone.

Love and hugs to all.